Saturday, December 31, 2011


It's New Years Eve again and I find myself at home reflecting on the past year...or even years past. This year has certainly been a full one!

Braxton has kept us on our toes all year it seems. He hit so many milestones. We prayed he would walk on "time" and now we wish he would slow down. We wished he would start talking and now we sometimes pray for a little quiet! He celebrated his 1st birthday in style with his cousin Brooklynn. You may as well jump on the bandwagon with everyone else who thinks that they are twins (not because they look alike but because they are so close in age, always together and their names apparently sound like something you would call twins). He enjoyed his first "real" Christmas and was certainly taught by his big brother how you properly open all of your a tornado! He has most definitely been a little blessing after a long road on our attempts to have a larger family.

Lucas has become so much like Jon & I both that it's hard to tell where Jon starts and I stop. Not totally true. He starts with Jon because well he looks just like him - I mean to a T. They share the same love of baseball, video games, sweets, hunting (this is new) and torturing mommy! He would do absolutely anything if he saw his father doing it. I can already tell you that my 7 year old will wind up a Red Raider one day because well...that's what Daddy did. He will want a Ford Mustang one day because that's what Daddy had. The parts of me that he inherited was for certain my stubborn side...boy he hates to be wrong. Like his Mommy, he has rarely met a stranger that he is unwilling to become the best of friends with. Like me he could also live in the best of both worlds, the outside or the inside. He loves to be around people and laugh/play but he is totally fine with sitting alone in a room with a book (or maybe a video game rather). Lucas FOR SURE suffers from Mommy's me he kinda freaks if you move something around! The thing I know for certain is that he is the greatest little role model for his little brother already.

This time of year also makes me a little reflective, a little sad and puts all of the important things in perspective for me. I can hardly believe that we buried our sweet little angel, Logan, 3 years ago today. The two most painful days of my life have been the day that we realized we had lost him (Dec 27th) and the day we laid his tiny body to rest (Dec 31st). I can honestly say that if I had known then what I know now, I would have handled those two days differently. I had never known anyone who had gone through something like that. I didn't know I could hold that sweet angel for as long as I wanted (I was told only a few minutes - incorrectly), I didn't know that I could have photos taken (HUGE regret), I didn't know that I could dress him myself for the service, I didn't know that I could rock him (not that I could have after my c-section), I didn't know that the wrong thing for me to do was to shut myself off from the outside world and I certainly didn't realize that he would leave this tiny angel sized hole in me that time and more children will never completely fill. It has gotten easier as time moves on but there is never a day that I don't think of him and wonder.

Would he be a blonde haired, blue eyed, fair skinned, mild mannered child like my other two? Would he love his Momma the same way that my other two do? I know that he was taken for necessary purposes or else he would still be with us. I am a firm believer in the fact that our God doesn't take innocent, precious, tiny souls unless he needs them! Still, that doesn't stop me from wondering...and missing him! I believe he would have been all of those things and so much more.

My very talented, soon-t0-be, sister-in-law sketched me this wonderful drawing for my Christmas present. I can't even tell you what it meant to me and what a temporary basket case I wanted to be when I opened it. She took his real footprints from the hospital (one of the only things we have of him) and the quote that we placed on the service program and the back of his headstone and this is what she came up with. Isn't it amazing?!! I can't tell you the kind of inner peace just looking at this brings to me.

I am a blessed mother of three little boys and I bet the middle one looks down on us daily and laughs at the jokes his big brother tells, smiles at the milestones his little brother hits, gets excited when he hears his Daddy talk about him and knows he is still so very, very loved when his Mommy thinks of him daily. I can also just about guarantee that he is in the best of company!

Lucas tells people about his "brother who died in his moms tummy" or his "brother who had a kink in his cord" all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME yall. In the most bizarre and uncomfortable places! If someone in the checkout line of the store asks him a question about his brother "Braxton" then he will proceed to also tell him about his brother "Logan". My sweet hearted big boy loves to write messages to Logan on balloons with a sharpee and release them regularly. I can't tell you how this makes my heart smile!

I am a blessed Mommy alright and I will go to bed tonight with a full heart!