It seems to be one of those days already. You know the kind...I'm sort of happy and sort of sad all at the same time. I just feel kinda mentally blah. I actually woke up in a terrific mood (except that my quads & calves are killing me) and on the drive to work I hear some sappy song and it does me in. I think that I like to pretend I'm a stronger person that I actually am and that I have learned how to completely cope with our loss, but it's just not true.
It has been almost 9 weeks since we lost Logan and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about, analyze it or rehash it in some way or another. I believe that everyone has had a broken heart before but this is sometimes more than I think I can take. I think that maybe it's because I don't feel like I have gotten any form of closure on the situation. I don't know if all of you realize that when I went back to the doctor for my 6 week follow up, the pathologist report told a different story than what I was originally led to believe. However, the report still didn't give us any conclusive answers so my doctor is still consulting with a perinatologist and the pathologist in hopes of figuring it out. We do know that my placenta was less than 1/2 the size it was supposed to be. We do know that my cord was hypercoiled in several places due to blood clots...however this is about all we know. It was a shock to my system to have to relive that day with my doctor.
I have so many people tell me the stories about their c-sections when they ask questions about what happened to me, but sometimes what I really want to ask them is if they had to leave the hospital empty handed. I mean really, that's what it all boils down to, right? I arrived with something in by belly and left with nothing in my arms. My sweet little man will always be center in my heart and mind but not in my arms. Logan has a mommy, a daddy and a big brother who were anxiously waiting for him to get here and now we will be anxiously waiting to get to where he is!
Lucas asks about Logan often. It's amazing what the little mind can come up with. Last night we were laying in bed and Lucas says, "Mom. When I was in your tummy I didn't lay on your tube. Logan did because his eyes were closed but mine were open and I was looking where I was going." Where does my little 4 year old come up with these things? Lucas is my blankie boy. When we buried Logan, his big brother gave him one of his most special blankets to sleep with in the casket. A few days after all of this happened we received in the mail the blanket that I had ordered for Logan with his name on it. Lucas now thinks that Logan sent that one to him special so that they would both have each others blankets. It is so special to Lucas and by far one of his most favorite things. I will never tell!!
The monument place called to tell us that his headstone came in. I need to go by there and approve the layout to be etched onto it. I keep putting it off for some reason. Maybe it's because this feels like the final task that I will be able to do for Logan. Not that it's not real, but it just makes it seem that much more real. I have a hard time deciding what to put onto the stone. His name and date just don't seem like enough for the world to know what he already meant to us. Maybe we could put "Our Littlest Angel" but then I'm not sure I like that either. Who knows...maybe this is why I keep putting it off. My goal is to have this done by Friday.
I am so afraid to try to get pregnant again. I want to desperately but I am so scared. There are so many what-if's and uncertainties that it makes it difficult. I have been praying that my doctors would come up with specific answers so I could rest easier and be better monitored next time around. It doesn't seem that it is quite that simple. I'm still going to hold out hope though. Miracles happen every day, right?
Want to know my biggest secret? I think on most days that I am a bad mommy to Logan. Even now. In the first month after we lost him I would sit in his room for hours looking at and holding his things. Especially his blanket with his footprints and the tiny crocheted beanie that they had him in at the hospital. I loved that time. Now, it's getting harder and harder for me to go in there. I feel like I don't spend enough alone time with my thoughts and memories of him anymore. Strange isn't it?
So there you have it...random ramblings by yours truly!
5 hours ago