Yesterday Jon & I got an email from the monument company. It had pictures of Logan's finished headstone on it. While we were looking at the pictures we realized that they had already taken it out to the cemetery. I don't expect anyone to understand my rationalization here but let me give it to you. I was heartbroken. Not because of our loss because it is always around. No, it was because I was just certain that they would call me before they took it out there. I wanted to be there and be front and center while they put it out. I can't explain why it was such a big deal to me but it was. I can understand that probably they don't call the families just so they can avoid hysterical mommies like me!!
I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to go out there yesterday. I did. Lucas was with me. He usually chooses to stay in the car but yesterday he must have sensed something was up. He told me that he was going to get out and talk to his baby too..."Mommy, I miss him too" is what he told me. Some of these things are like pouring salt on a healing wound. We didn't get the opportunity to stay for very long since Lucas was all over the place, but it was nice. They did a terrific job on the headstone.
It's so strange because I wanted to take pictures. I don't know if this is normal behavior or not. Actually, I don't know what normal even is anymore. I thought it was so pretty out there that I wanted to take pictures to share with the world, however, I'm not sure that the world is ready for those pictures.
The part that is the hardest for me is that the headstone getting put out there was the very last thing that we had to do in association with losing Logan. I think that is why it was so important to me to be there. It was our final deed to him as his parents. Of course we will forever talk to him, visit him, cherish him and love him but there are no other "chores" to be done on his behalf. That in itself just breaks my heart. That's why I tagged this closure. It isn't really, but in a way I think it will take us to the next level in the process of healing.
This morning I have called our favorite florist to tell them to have an arrangement ready for me to pick up at noon. I plan to go take those beautiful flowers out to my beautiful baby boy and make his resting place that much more beautiful. I think that it is nothing short of what he deserves...as I realize that even though this experience has showered me with more pain that I ever thought possible, he has made my own life that much more beautiful because he was a part of it and me.
4 days ago