Hmmm...

I'm at the office this morning since I had to finish pushing out payroll for the week. I feel like I should be the one home with Lucas instead of Jon...however, we are blessed that Jon is such an amazing father and is more than well equipped to handle whatever situations are thrown his way. That being said, I don't feel so hot myself. I am having a little bit of nausea and my body is slightly achy. I'm hoping it's from lack of sleep and not because I'm trying to get this. We had to sleep with the ceiling fan on high and the A/C on last night. Yeah, it's because Lucas was so hot that it felt like I was sleeping in the Sahara. I can only imagine how he must have been feeling. His fever continued up & down most of the evening and into this morning. Thank goodness for Motrin.

On a different note...I have a training session this evening that I'm hoping that I can attend still. I would love to exercise the possibility of this bug right on out of me!! Plus, I don't want to many down days since it'll get me out of the habit. I was so sad to miss the Zumba class last night. I'm hoping that I'll be able to do it on Saturday but I guess we'll have to see what happens!!

Flu

is beginning to invade our house. We took Lucas to preschool this morning and he seemed just perfect. I got a phone call from the nurse at 10am that he was running 101.6 fever without them adding to it. Of course I hightailed it to the school to pick him up. We made a pit stop at the doctor's office afterwards. After some tests they determined it's the flu. He hadn't shown any symptoms that I had noticed so I was greatly shocked. I asked him if there were any other symptoms I could expect. Dr. Henry said that sometimes there is vomit but not always. After a quick prayer upwards that we wouldn't be dealing with that...Lucas starts throwing up. OH YUCK!!!

The doctor said it will take between 7-10 days for it to fully run it's course and that he shouldn't return to the preschool until next Wednesday at the earliest. Goodness gracious that's a long time. Thankfully, Jon & I have super flexible schedules since we work for Dad. I think that we will be switching out who stays home with him for the next two days and then we will see next week. I hope that Jon & I don't get it!! We have not had the flu shot in our house. I'm full of regrets over that now.

Keep my puny little one in your thoughts...he's pitiful!

Did a tornado come to my house?

So, I think that I got my "pity-me" day out yesterday. I think that everywhere I was turning yesterday was leading me to Logan. I'm cool-er now!! For those of you that actually read & put up with my "soap box"...thanks!

My poor house. It looks like a tornado came and landed straight upon it. Doing zero damage to the outside but tremendous damage to the inside! What I need is a cleaning fairy! My lady comes once every two weeks but sometimes I think she should come much more often. I have had something going on everyday for the past week or so and haven't had any time to devote to my home. Maybe tonight after Zumba? The cleaning lady will be here Friday but I am obsessed with cleaning BEFORE she comes to clean. I wish I could make myself stop that!

Our yard looks ridiculous too. They are at the house right now pouring concrete to extend our driveway. The driveway is covered with dirt and I think that Jon said we aren't supposed to park on it for like 2 weeks. When they leveled out the area, they left us like a 6 foot tall by 6 foot wide pile of earth. Um, hopefully we can get one of the young men out of work to come haul it away...soon! They always need some work.

We have weeds galore right now too! Thankfully the fertilizer/weed killer people are coming on Friday. How nice it will be if we can actually have GREEN grass this year instead of the typical greenish/brown kind that we had last year. Maybe our flowerbeds will decide to stay weedless this year too? Fat chance, right?

Finally, we are putting up our fence next week. I am so angry about the whole fence issue. I wanted vinyl but all of the sudden our HOA says it's iron only. I mean seriously...how bout some privacy folks? I would like to put in a pool soon. I'm pretty sure that you won't catch me sunbathing if you can see through my fence! Maybe if I looked like Jessica Alba or something. The HOA said that we can just plant tall shrubs around the fence. I wonder where they think those thousands of dollars will come from? Maybe they will come plant a money tree in my back yard!!

Skinny

So, I told Lucas the other day that I was going to the gym to workout. He asked me what that meant so I told him that I was going to try to get skinny. He seems pacified by my answer and I never questioned what he thought skinny meant. About an hour later, he turned to Ryan and Ashley and told them that mommy was going to the gym so that they could take my skin off of me. What? Where did he get that from? I laughed so hard!!

One of those days...

It seems to be one of those days already. You know the kind...I'm sort of happy and sort of sad all at the same time. I just feel kinda mentally blah. I actually woke up in a terrific mood (except that my quads & calves are killing me) and on the drive to work I hear some sappy song and it does me in. I think that I like to pretend I'm a stronger person that I actually am and that I have learned how to completely cope with our loss, but it's just not true.

It has been almost 9 weeks since we lost Logan and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about, analyze it or rehash it in some way or another. I believe that everyone has had a broken heart before but this is sometimes more than I think I can take. I think that maybe it's because I don't feel like I have gotten any form of closure on the situation. I don't know if all of you realize that when I went back to the doctor for my 6 week follow up, the pathologist report told a different story than what I was originally led to believe. However, the report still didn't give us any conclusive answers so my doctor is still consulting with a perinatologist and the pathologist in hopes of figuring it out. We do know that my placenta was less than 1/2 the size it was supposed to be. We do know that my cord was hypercoiled in several places due to blood clots...however this is about all we know. It was a shock to my system to have to relive that day with my doctor.

I have so many people tell me the stories about their c-sections when they ask questions about what happened to me, but sometimes what I really want to ask them is if they had to leave the hospital empty handed. I mean really, that's what it all boils down to, right? I arrived with something in by belly and left with nothing in my arms. My sweet little man will always be center in my heart and mind but not in my arms. Logan has a mommy, a daddy and a big brother who were anxiously waiting for him to get here and now we will be anxiously waiting to get to where he is!

Lucas asks about Logan often. It's amazing what the little mind can come up with. Last night we were laying in bed and Lucas says, "Mom. When I was in your tummy I didn't lay on your tube. Logan did because his eyes were closed but mine were open and I was looking where I was going." Where does my little 4 year old come up with these things? Lucas is my blankie boy. When we buried Logan, his big brother gave him one of his most special blankets to sleep with in the casket. A few days after all of this happened we received in the mail the blanket that I had ordered for Logan with his name on it. Lucas now thinks that Logan sent that one to him special so that they would both have each others blankets. It is so special to Lucas and by far one of his most favorite things. I will never tell!!

The monument place called to tell us that his headstone came in. I need to go by there and approve the layout to be etched onto it. I keep putting it off for some reason. Maybe it's because this feels like the final task that I will be able to do for Logan. Not that it's not real, but it just makes it seem that much more real. I have a hard time deciding what to put onto the stone. His name and date just don't seem like enough for the world to know what he already meant to us. Maybe we could put "Our Littlest Angel" but then I'm not sure I like that either. Who knows...maybe this is why I keep putting it off. My goal is to have this done by Friday.

I am so afraid to try to get pregnant again. I want to desperately but I am so scared. There are so many what-if's and uncertainties that it makes it difficult. I have been praying that my doctors would come up with specific answers so I could rest easier and be better monitored next time around. It doesn't seem that it is quite that simple. I'm still going to hold out hope though. Miracles happen every day, right?

Want to know my biggest secret? I think on most days that I am a bad mommy to Logan. Even now. In the first month after we lost him I would sit in his room for hours looking at and holding his things. Especially his blanket with his footprints and the tiny crocheted beanie that they had him in at the hospital. I loved that time. Now, it's getting harder and harder for me to go in there. I feel like I don't spend enough alone time with my thoughts and memories of him anymore. Strange isn't it?

So there you have it...random ramblings by yours truly!

Action Packed Weekend

I think that for a while I had hoped to have full weekends so I didn't have much "think" time. Now I pray for weekends that we don't have anything going on. I don't know when the last time was that we just sat around! All in all, it was a great weekend though.

We started it off by meeting The Barron's for dinner Friday night at The Cheesecake Factory. Yummy! We love hanging out with them and Lucas adores Nicole. He tends to flirt with her from time to time!

Saturday Lucas had a 9am basketball game followed by my first session with the personal trainer at 10am. It was a revelation to me just how out of shape I am. Here I thought I just needed to lose some weight. I had no idea (whatever!!) just how physically out of shape I am!! We then had to go to Saltgrass in Cedar Hill for a tri-birthday party. My brother (Ryan), my sister (Hannah) and my uncle (Kenneth) all share the same birthday. To keep things simple we had a joint party this year. We then went to see a movie to end the night. I will be so thrilled when the new cinema opens in Waxahachie. I just can't handle when a movie I'm seeing happens to be in one of the 4 older theaters at the current one. No room, no cushion...yuck!

Today we went out to my Dad's ranch and drove around for a few hours. We went in hopes of getting some pictures of the beautiful doe that they just purchased & had delivered. They got 20 that are all preggos. Very neat! Once we got home I met Micah & Natalie for a Zumba class. I had never been and very much appreciated the invitation. It was so fun and a super workout. I never imagined it to be that. I ache in places that I forgot I had!!! I will look forward to attending another.

I think that I will end my night watching the Oscars on TV...unless Brothers & Sisters comes on!

Crochet

I almost forgot. In deciding to take up new hobbies, I went to the store last night and bought yarn, crochet needles and a how-to book. Can we please discuss the look on Jon's face last night when I was sitting in my recliner, needle/hook in hand with some yarn wrapped around my fingers? In his defense, it probably was a funny site to see! I'm not sure what led me to think of crocheting other than I find some of the prettiest baby blankets and afgans are crocheted. Maybe I'll find that I am actually good at this and can make some cutesie's for everyone?? I will have to take pictures of my "projects" once I begin them! Right now though, I'm only on lesson 5 out of the book. Ha!

Ouch, I hurt...

...just thinking of working out. I am so incredibly embarrassed to admit this, but I haven't had more than a few 30 minute trips on the treadmill in about the last 5 years. It's no wonder I have all of this excess weight. After everything happened with Logan, Jon & I decided that I needed to throw myself into something positive. I decided that it would be exercise. There was a point in my life...say 10 years ago...that I had something that resembled will-power. Not these days. I can find any excuse not to do the whole workout thing, but not this time. I am finally at my 8 week marker and can now go full fledged into an exercise program.

This being said, I have hired a personal trainer. I think that I have like 12 sessions with her, 3/week for the next month. I'm hoping that I can develop a good habit of working out during that month. However, I am SO scared! Hehehe, I told Jon that I'm afraid she is going to make me throw up. I hate doing that but can you imagine someone who hasn't had any form of exercise in this long in their first training session? I can and it doesn't look pretty...from my imagination anyway!

My first session is Saturday right after Lucas' basketball game. Did I say yet how much I already want to back out? I'm going to see it through though...otherwise I'll have to listen to Jon. Plus, who doesn't want several bags of potatoes dropped from their figure?? A girl can dream right?

I think that I'm going to give myself a reward for all of my hardwork at the end of the month. Yes, besides losing some weight & feeling great (hopefully)! Now I just need some reward ideas! Maybe a new purse??? Yea!

Valentine's Day

was uneventful in our household! Lucas had basketball that morning, Jon had a softball tournament all day and I went to see Mother Load with my sisters-in-law and MIL. We thought of going out to dinner that night but seriously I could do without the crowds!

My wonderful husband sent me flowers on Friday. I have had SO many arrangements from him in the past 13 years but these were my favorites. They are making my house smell amazing! I think it's the white roses with the lilies, but I'm not certain!

Oh yes, you see the rest of the Valentine's sacks/junk arround the flowers? This is all stuff that Lucas brought home from school.

Viva Las Vegas

We had such a good, relaxing trip to Vegas. We stayed at the Bellagio, which was very nice. We certainly didn't win anything but we didn't lose near what I thought we would. I was trying to post these pictures in a particular order but that didn't happen. I'll give you a brief rundown of them though.

The hotel had animals that were crafted out of the shrubs. This is the bull.
This is the panda done the same way. How cool is this??

This is a picture of The Paris from our hotel. This is actually where Jon & I got married!

Here is a picture from one of our windows in the room...it's of The Paris again.

Again, pretty much the same picture but during the daytime hours.

Jon's favorite part...he likes the the bottom toilet though he would never use it!

The bedroom area!

Us with Jamey & Nicole Barron who were out there at the same time!

Basketball

My little man is playing basketball right now through the YMCA. His team is named The Frogs! Hence the green jerseys. He fought us tooth & nail during his first practice and now he loves it! It is the funniest thing to watch. He loves playing defense...he's actually semi-aggressive with his little arms up in the air guarding! He loves to dribble but he doesn't shoot often. He tells Jon & I that he likes to pass the ball to the 2 kids that ALWAYS make the shot! My little assister!

Bedding

I had been meaning to post pictures of the bedding that I had made for Logan. The young lady that put it together did a terrific job! I'm hoping that our next little one is a boy so I can put it to use!

Logan's Garden...

or something like that. I thought I would post some of the beautiful arrangements and plants that friends and family sent for Logan's memorial service. I would have loved to post them all but I had 34 arrangements in my house...not including what we left at the cemetery. It was and still is overwhelming...the love and support from our family and friends. I am going to post a few of my favorites here. Please don't laugh but you will see some dead leaves and such on the plant. I want (and am trying super hard) to keep these alive for years but I am not blessed with a green thumb! I remember to water them, with Jon's help, but I'm not sure how much light they should get and things of that nature. Here you go though!

Can I do it?

I brought my new camera to work in hopes of uploading some pictures onto this thing! It's in my purse now. I have to get through some of the paperwork on my desk first, but then...maybe? It's been quite some time since I've posted any real pictures!!

My Inspiration

I thought of another less known fact about myself. I am completely obsessed with quotations, scriptures, poems...anything that makes me feel good or lights my way! I only remember one other person being quite so "quote involved" as I am...Mary Katherine! Do you remember in high school when you (and I for that matter) would have quotes all over pieces of paper, book covers, etc? Wow, talk about a flash back. Anyway, I am feeling reflective today with all of the sad, hard things going on around us, so I thought that I would share some of my favorites with you all.

1. "Let go, and let God"

2. "Sometimes God calms the storm; Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child"

3. "God whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain"

4. "When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will by taught to fly"

5. "Things turn out the best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out"

6. "Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night"

7. Philippians 4:6-7 "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Do this and you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

**On a side note, #7 is a scripture that I have read over & over again since I was in high school. It is one of my favorites because of how true it has been in my life. If I turn my worries, fears and anxieties over to God, he will take them all on himself and relieves me of all my undue burdens. Peace is good, God is good!!